Let’s say you had a cookie. And you also had a best friend. But then your best friend stole your cookie and fed it to their cat. And then the world ends, because the cat died and your friend was so upset, that she resurrected it, and it was evil and blew up the world. You would want the world back, right? You took the world for granted.
That was a really bad analogy. Honestly, it sounded better in my head.
But anyway, we had a sub in maths today. Since my maths class only has seven people in it, we combined with the other accelerated to have the wonderis joy of meeting the woman who created our beloved maths book. We’d already met this lovely woman before, and we absolutely hated her with a burning passion that no non accelerated maths mortal could ever muster.
Since we were combined, I sat with Natalia, who was using every swear word in the book to describe this woman to Chase, who had been absent during her previous visit.
Okay, I admit. Our maths is babyified. Mr. DeJonge tells us stories of magical pennies and dragons and kings with really smart financial advisors to jazz up our maths class, because that book IS. SO. BORING. But that’s the price you pay when taking a high school maths course in middle school.
Natalia, Jade, Remy, Nickolas, and I busied ourselves by creating her life story.
The Story Of The Maths Lady
By: Kai, Remy, Nickolas, Natalia and Jade
Jade: Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman, who were very much in love.
Natalia: So they decided to have a baby, but as time went on, they realised that they weren’t ready.
Nickolas: So they tried an abortion, but the woman took the wrong meds, so her baby devolped faster.
Remy: The pregnancy lasted two months and the baby was delivered via C-Section.
Me: They named their new daughter Lizard, and called her Lizzie. Lizzie grew up mad at her parents because everyone asked her what Lizzie was short for, and instead of saying Elizabeth or something, she had to say Lizard.
Jade: Lizzie decided that parents should never be allowed to name their kids after animals, after her brother, Arachnid, or Archie, was born.
Natalia: Archie and Lizzie turned to a Bonnie and Clyde lifestyle, only with maths!
Nickolas: Archie grew up to be a very successful professor, and now teaches the math behind Quantum Physics at Cambridge University.
Remy: He is happily married to Scarlett Johansson, and they have five kids named Tenacious, Integrity, Pursuit, Intellect and Steve.
Me: But Lizzie was not so lucky. She was ahead of her peers not only mentally, but physically. She was diagnosed with Progeria Made Specifically For Lizzie And No One Else Disorder, aka PMSFLANOED.
Jade: At age 13, she looked 100, and acted 99.999999999999999999.
Natalia: She decide to waste her time making Maths textbooks to make the school nerds feel stupid.
Nickolas: And it worked! Now I feel like an idiot!
Remy: Lizzie traveled the world giving mindnumbing seminars, and was despised by most. Except the administration, who adored her.
Me: Lizzie now spends her days torturing children and pretending to know how to teach. The end.
We are very creative when we want to be. The Lizard started her lecture on Exponential Functions and growth rates, and everyone’s eyes glazed.
“Please take out your graphing calculators and graph the equation f(x)=2(0)to the “x”.”
“That’s a straight line.” I groaned.
“I said graph it!” The Lizard snarled.
“I’m telling you it’s a straight line, if it even shows!”
“And I’m telling you to graph it!”
I put my head down. Natalia snickered.
“Don’t laugh, young lady! Do you think it’s funny that he is wasting your education? Do you think that education is a joke?!” The Lizard snapped.
Natalia wiped the toxic lizard spit off her face. “No. But I think you’re wasting our education.”
“Oooh,” The class chorused. We may the the so called “smart kids”, but we’re still kids. We love seeing our classmates get in trouble.
The Lizard’s eyes flashed. “Go away until you can control your temper.”
Temper? That is not Natalia’s temper.
Natalia rolled her eyes and stomped off to rage at Ms. Gonzalez for allowing Lizard Lady to teach our classes.
The rest of us obediently graphed the equation, and whatdoya know? it was didn’t even show up.
“Now, children. On a test, you would draw a straight line to represent that equation.”
Natalia, who had just returned to her desk, walked right back to Ms. Gonzalez, taking deep breaths.
On her way back, I noticed her whispering to a couple kids. They nodded, and at exactly 11:11, the class began to sing Happy Birthday to Nickolas.
The Lizard looked at us in awe. “Silence! Silence at once!”
We kept singing.
“Silence, you naughty children! Be silenced!”
We held the last note out as long and off key as we could.
“YES SIR!” Noah yelled. We laughed. The Lizard stomped off screaming about how naughty we were.
In English, our free write prompt was “Name something you’d give for something else and why. 4 sentences is expected. So surprise me.”
I wrote “I’d give Lizard Lady up for my brother back.”
He gave me an A.