Leprechauns and Mischief

We had a visit from “leprechauns” this morning. They destroyed our living room and kitchen. The table and chairs were upside down, there was glitter on the floor, pots and pans were on clothing hooks, googly eyes were on the milk, eggs, and bread, my dog, and Natasha and Ava’s cats were dressed up with mini green boots and shirts. We also can’t forget the chocolate gold coins scattered about.

We found a note written in Irish, which is actually a language, and after multiple translation attempts, we trans illiterated it to, “Have fun cleaning this up.” It was almost sarcastic.

But we did have fun. Cleaning up had never been more fun. After the kitchen and living room were clean, Boady made green pancakes. Weird, but good. He used spinach, which all of us refused to eat until we dared each other to try it at the same time. Surprisingly, I couldn’t even taste the spinach.

Natasha and Ava have green eyes, and mine change from green to blue, so we technically already had our green, but after getting pinched by Natalia, Ava coloured her tips of her hair green with a Sharpie. Natasha put a clover in her hair, and we found green face paint from Halloween and painted our faces.

I can’t believe how many holidays we missed out on in Russia. No Halloween, no Pi Day, no Saint Patrick’s Day, no nothing! Not even National Cow Day!

American politics may not be good, but the holidays almost make up for it.



Fun And Games

Carnival night! The night when no one gets homework (or everyone chooses not to do it), kids smash their teacher’s faces with pies and get hyped up on candy.

Let me just say, I have never had more fun at school than I did today. The actual school part was boring, but the carnival was fun!

We met Ms. Gonzalez’s boyfriend, and he bought me cotton candy for telling him embarrassing stories about her. I’d never had cotton candy before, but it was so strange. It looked like the hair on one of Charlie’s dolls, but melted in your mouth.

“You do realise that’s all sugar, right?” Natalia asked me.

“Shut up and let me enjoy this.” I said, my mouth full with what I imagine unicorn hair tastes like. Artificial bubblegum and awesomeness.

Jade had brought her little sister, June, and June and Charlie hit it off despite the five year ago gap. June speaks Chinese, and they talked about little kid stuff like Frozen.

Alex (not my brother) was feeling well enough to hang out, and we found exciting ways to use our unlimited play wristbands to the fullest. The games themselves were boring and probably from the Dollar Store, but easy to win, and we are all competitive. If that means screaming at robotic pigs to stop snorting and move to earn candy and bragging rights, than so be it.

“Move it you stupid pig!” Alex yelled.

“Mind is gonna win!” I celebrated too soon. My pig suddenly dropped dead.

“It needs new batteries.” Evan said.

“I win!” June jumped up and down. “Worship me!”

“Hey, what do you call a dead pig? Chris P. Bacon!” Jade laughed.

“I told you that one!” I said. She shrugged.

Addy joined us, snuck some of my cotton candy, and we played Giant Connect Four against Jade and Natalia, with Alex narrating our every move.

“Addy is thinking. She’s thinking. She’s…still thinking.”

“I can’t think with you narrating my thinking!”

“Really? I didn’t know you could think.” Natalia snickered.

“Ohhh! Burn! Trash talk! Technical foul!!” Alex yelled, rubbing his head like he was trying to get rid of a migraine.

Addy threw a chip at him.

Addy and I won, much to Natalia’s dismay. Our reward? More unicorn hair!

“Kai, I think you bleed cotton candy now.” Evan quipped.

“LET ME EAT MY MAGICAL UNICORN HAIR IN PEACE!!” I said rather loudly. Alcohol gets adults tipsy and makes them do stuff they normally wouldn’t do, and cotton candy does that to me. I wouldn’t yell about unicorns at the top of my lungs normally, or, you know, talk about unicorns. Or talk in school.

“If he wants a sugar high, let him get a sugar high.” Jordan said.

“Easy for you to say; you don’t share a room with him!” Natalia punched Jordan.

“Ow, what’d you do that for?!”

“You were being inconsiderate.”

Jordan rubbed his shoulder.

Later, we smashed whipped cream “pies” into Ms. Gonzalez’s face at the pie toss, and it was all in her hair. Her boyfriend kissed her and said she tasted like whipped cream. Natalia put a Tootsie Roll in his ear.

¡Ŵę êñjøÿèd õûršēłvëś åńd Į ām štíłł trŷìńg tō gėt åłł thîš śūgãr öüt mÿ šŷśtęm!

I need sleep. Or more unicorn hair.

It’s Pi Day, My Dudes

I only have 314 words to tell you how hyped up I am about Pi Day. Pi Day is awesome! You gain like 3.14 pounds because of the 3.14 pies you ate, not forgetting the 3.14 slices of pizza pie you ate. It’s a great excuse to enjoy Pi.

All our math homework had its original number replaced by Pi, which made them so much easier. (Jane has 3.14 meters of wood to build a fence that is 3.14 inches tall. What is the biggest perimeter that her fence can be?)

Natasha and Boady got pie at their job and we got pizza from Blaze. It only costed $3.14 and Charlie joined the I Hate Pepperoni Pizza Squad. She likes strawberry pie, though.

In Russia, Pi Day was “Oh look. March 14th is 3/14. Wow. Now do your work.” Plus, no one ate pie. Pi doesn’t sound a thing like pie in Russian. That’s like saying “It’s national Triangle Day. Let’s eat lettuce!” It makes no sense.

I’ve missed out on too many Pi Days. The way I see is I’m simply making up for lost time. So, maybe I go a bit overboard with the Pi things. Natasha is still annoyed that I told Charlie to count 314159265 instead of 123456789. Oops.

But she’ll figure it out. And if not, how many three year olds know the first nine digits of Pi?

Mr. Rodriquez decided that it was a good idea to hint at the idea of pie for Jazz Band and then let us down with Skittles. That earned him distasteful looks from the saxes and the cold shoulder from Natalia. After she finished the Skittles, of course.

And while I’m stalling for words, another group of eighth graders cooked today. They tried to make fried chicken without any oil. Or chicken. This is why it is necessary to teach students to cook. With oil. And, you know, food.

Happy Pi Day!

Anyone Hungry?

Cooking! A necessity if you want to stay alive. It’s really simple. You take a raw food item, nuke it, and then bam! food. Of course, it’s easier to make microwave popcorn than it is to cook a Thanksgiving Day turkey, but the general idea is still the same.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have come to a startling conclusion. The people at my school can’t do the simplest stuff, like turn on an oven. Which is probably a good thing, considering the fact that most kids in my class didn’t know that most stoves use gas.

If you haven’t guessed it, my eighth grade health class is learning to cook! So if on the news you hear about a Michigan school burning down, you know why. I’m not even kidding. The kids in my class didn’t know that there were more than one type of bread.

I am apparently one of the few kids self reliant enough to fire up a HotPocket. Mr. Spencer asked us to raise our hands if we had ever cooked before. Only the immigrant and first generation kids raised their hands. Trump should really stop threatening to deport immigrants when we actually know how to successfully not die.

Our assignment was to make a two+ course meal with a group. So easy, right? You could legitimately make a grilled cheese sandwich, and cookies from a Betty Crocker box and get an A. Easy, right?!

Wrong. I am extremely worried for the American future.

We split ourselves up into groups. I worked with my usual group, Natalia, Jade, JiaYi and added Vishal. We were discussing our meal when Mr. Spencer announced a game changer.

“If you can successfully cook a restricted diet meal, then your group gets extra credit.”

He just offered us extra credit. You know that even though none of us need it, we were going to take it.

So we went vegan. I’m an eggless vegetarian, and vegan meals aren’t far off from my normal food. I lead.

We created a list of foods, and today, they were waiting at our station.

We had decided to go with Asian cuisine. JiaYi was born in China, Vishal was born in India, and lived in Korea and Taiwan, Jade’s parents are from China, I was raised at the Asia-Europe border of Russia, and Natalia got dragged along, because she knows plenty of Russian pastry recipes.

Jade and I worked on Stir Fry, JiaYi ditched the eggs in Fried Rice, and Natalia was working with Vishal to add a Korean flare to Russian dessert. Occasionally we looked up and watched in shame as our fellow classmates failed at quesadillas.

Ours turned out really nice. I was nervous about the dessert, but it was really good. Natalia and Vishal made Korean style dumplings, only the “crust” was blini, which is like a Russia crepés, and the inside was filled with cherry preserves. We replaced the egg with handmade sweet coconut milk, and made them look like a traditional Korean dumpling.

Vishal also whipped up a batch of strawberry Lassi, an Indian yoghurt drink.

We then proudly took pictures of outburst work, using Mr. Spencer’s iPhone 8.

Chinese and Malaysian style stir fry
Fried rice with tofu instead of eggs
Russian and Korean cherry sweet dumplings


I’m really proud, especially compared to our counterparts.


Eggs with tomatoes and green peppers
Some sort of cookie
I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be

We could make one of those expectations vs reality things on Pinterest.

Needless to say, we were the only group with an A. And we also earned extra credit. Go Vegans!

Don’t Take Things For Granted

Let’s say you had a cookie. And you also had a best friend. But then your best friend stole your cookie and fed it to their cat. And then the world ends, because the cat died and your friend was so upset, that she resurrected it, and it was evil and blew up the world. You would want the world back, right? You took the world for granted.

That was a really bad analogy. Honestly, it sounded better in my head.

But anyway, we had a sub in maths today. Since my maths class only has seven people in it, we combined with the other accelerated to have the wonderis joy of meeting the woman who created our beloved maths book. We’d already met this lovely woman before, and we absolutely hated her with a burning passion that no non accelerated maths mortal could ever muster.

Since we were combined, I sat with Natalia, who was using every swear word in the book to describe this woman to Chase, who had been absent during her previous visit.

Okay, I admit. Our maths is babyified. Mr. DeJonge tells us stories of magical pennies and dragons and kings with really smart financial advisors to jazz up our maths class, because that book IS. SO. BORING. But that’s the price you pay when taking a high school maths course in middle school.

Natalia, Jade, Remy, Nickolas, and I busied ourselves by creating her life story.

The Story Of The Maths Lady

By: Kai, Remy, Nickolas, Natalia and Jade

Jade: Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman, who were very much in love.

Natalia: So they decided to have a baby, but as time went on, they realised that they weren’t ready.

Nickolas: So they tried an abortion, but the woman took the wrong meds, so her baby devolped faster.

Remy: The pregnancy lasted two months and the baby was delivered via C-Section.

Me: They named their new daughter Lizard, and called her Lizzie. Lizzie grew up mad at her parents because everyone asked her what Lizzie was short for, and instead of saying Elizabeth or something, she had to say Lizard.

Jade: Lizzie decided that parents should never be allowed to name their kids after animals, after her brother, Arachnid, or Archie, was born.

Natalia: Archie and Lizzie turned to a Bonnie and Clyde lifestyle, only with maths!

Nickolas: Archie grew up to be a very successful professor, and now teaches the math behind Quantum Physics at Cambridge University.

Remy: He is happily married to Scarlett Johansson, and they have five kids named Tenacious, Integrity, Pursuit, Intellect and Steve.

Me: But Lizzie was not so lucky. She was ahead of her peers not only mentally, but physically. She was diagnosed with Progeria Made Specifically For Lizzie And No One Else Disorder, aka PMSFLANOED.

Jade: At age 13, she looked 100, and acted 99.999999999999999999.

Natalia: She decide to waste her time making Maths textbooks to make the school nerds feel stupid.

Nickolas: And it worked! Now I feel like an idiot!

Remy: Lizzie traveled the world giving mindnumbing seminars, and was despised by most. Except the administration, who adored her.

Me: Lizzie now spends her days torturing children and pretending to know how to teach. The end.

We are very creative when we want to be. The Lizard started her lecture on Exponential Functions and growth rates, and everyone’s eyes glazed.

“Please take out your graphing calculators and graph the equation f(x)=2(0)to the “x”.”

“That’s a straight line.” I groaned.

“I said graph it!” The Lizard snarled.

“I’m telling you it’s a straight line, if it even shows!”

“And I’m telling you to graph it!”

I put my head down. Natalia snickered.

“Don’t laugh, young lady! Do you think it’s funny that he is wasting your education? Do you think that education is a joke?!” The Lizard snapped.

Natalia wiped the toxic lizard spit off her face. “No. But I think you’re wasting our education.”

“Oooh,” The class chorused. We may the the so called “smart kids”, but we’re still kids. We love seeing our classmates get in trouble.

The Lizard’s eyes flashed. “Go away until you can control your temper.”

Temper? That is not Natalia’s temper.

Natalia rolled her eyes and stomped off to rage at Ms. Gonzalez for allowing Lizard Lady to teach our classes.

The rest of us obediently graphed the equation, and whatdoya know? it was didn’t even show up.

“Now, children. On a test, you would draw a straight line to represent that equation.”

Natalia, who had just returned to her desk, walked right back to Ms. Gonzalez, taking deep breaths.

On her way back, I noticed her whispering to a couple kids. They nodded, and at exactly 11:11, the class began to sing Happy Birthday to Nickolas.

The Lizard looked at us in awe. “Silence! Silence at once!”

We kept singing.

“Silence, you naughty children! Be silenced!”

We held the last note out as long and off key as we could.


“YES SIR!” Noah yelled. We laughed. The Lizard stomped off screaming about how naughty we were.

In English, our free write prompt was “Name something you’d give for something else and why. 4 sentences is expected. So surprise me.”

I wrote “I’d give Lizard Lady up for my brother back.”

He gave me an A.


I am in dire need of a brother. Four sisters? Can I borrow someone’s brother?

I used to have a brother, and we were close. We could watch movies that were actually interesting, (sorry, Lifetime) and do guy stuff. But life, or death rather, happens and now I have four sisters and no brothers.

Someone send help! There is only a specific amount of time that a boy can spend getting his nails painted and getting makeovers before he goes crazy, and I am well past mine. My friends constantly tease me about humming Frozen music under my breath. Thanks Charlie.

Until we move, I share a room with Ava and Natalia. And Ava’s stupid cat, Sasha Cat. I have woken up with glitter in my eyes. I’ve had coloured sand where no guy should ever have coloured sand. I can name all the Disney princesses in order of movie realise dates and order of intended time period. I can tell you the difference between strawberry pink lip gloss and strawberry pink lip stick. Unfortunately, I can also tell you which one tastes better. (Lip gloss)

Despite this, my sisters are pretty great. If I don’t want to do something, I can say I have to babysit Charlie. Natalia enjoys Marvel movies and playing cards. Natasha tolerates all our nonsense and still is as cheerful as she is. And Ava, well, Ava is Ava.

But, seriously? Not one brother?

Trigger Warning Ahead

You know how with some people, you just have to bite your lip to keep yourself from losing it?

Meet Samaria, the new efficient way to piss of an entire class with one sentence. (Is piss a swear word?)

Samaria is what would happen if a rich kid of Instagram made a mistake with a rich guy twenty years older and the rich guy left the rich kid, but since the rich kid was active with any rich guy she could find, she couldn’t prove who the child’s father was. But, the rich guy wound up having to pay thousands of dollars in unneeded child support to every rich woman he ever slept with who eventually went on to have a child and so Samaria wound up super rich. So Samaria gets to grow up with Apple Watches and iPhone Xs, and can complain that life sucks since she only gets to see her dad once a month when he takes her on exotic vacations. Sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie, right? Well, that’s actually true. That’s legitimately her life.

Last week, she was on a cruise to Cuba and some other places. This was the first time she missed more than two days of class for one of her vacations, and it was so quiet. Everyone was focused, everyone got their work done, and we had a lot of extra time.

Today, she returned and my school experienced what I refer to as the Groan Heard Around The World™. As in everyone groaned as she walked in. She immediately went back to annoying the crap out of anyone who’s family makes less than $100,000 per year. Which is the majority of the school.

“Look at my earrings! They’re gold! Daddy offered to by me diamonds, but since it was exotic, he bought me a pearl necklace. It doesn’t match anything! Except for like two things.” (Yes, she stereotypically calls her Dad “Daddy”.)

All her rich kid friends crowded around and started discussing tourist locations, because apparently some of us have been on multiple cruises to Cuba.

Mr. Begley attempted to start teaching, but Samaria was showing Linsey pictures of her at a waterfall.

“Dude, seriously. No one even cares.” Remy muttered. He’s terrified of Samaria because she loves to give him hugs and gummy bears.

Mr. Begley tried to start a lesson, but Samaria constantly interrupted him by saying, “I didn’t do that. I was in Havana.”

“We know. You’ve only said that about a hundred times!” Antiya mumbled.


Another thing about Samaria. She has a loud voice that carries, and she loves to yell, then deny that she was yelling. She also can’t take what she disses out, but constantly annoys everyone else.

Mr. Begley assigned us a 3 paragraph essay. He gave us 40 minutes. Super easy, right?

Well, Natalia, Remy, and I were talking about going to band after finishing. I said, “Yeah, it’s super easy. Give me like five minutes.”

Samaria, listening to see if Remy happened to mention the crush he doesn’t have on her, yelled, “Well, of COURSE it’s easy for YOU, Kai! LIFE is easy for you! But some of us have the hard life. I RARELY see my Daddy! My mom has to support the family! So life isn’t easy for all of us!”

Coming from the girl who still smells like the beach.

“Whatever.” I said, so proud of myself for not throwing a pencil at her. I wouldn’t do that to the poor pencil. I finished my work, went to band, and put her out of my head.

Later, in Science, Mr. Freece was explaining simple physics. He gave us twenty minutes to finish a worksheet, and Natalia, Sarah, Chase and I were finishing up when we heard Samaria yell “What do ya mean ISIS is not a country?!” The rich kids were talking about kids in different countries, all of which they’ve visited.

We snickered and ignored her, then heard her say “Life shouldn’t be hard! I’m only thirteen! Life shouldn’t be hard yet!”

I could tell Natalia was getting ready to give Samaria a piece of her mind, so I raised our papers and said “We’re done! Can we go practice our instruments?”

“Kai, no one cares! Just because you’re sooooo smart doesn’t make you better than the rest of us! You’re only smart because you’re RUSSIAN and you went to school there. Lucky you. Not all of us have it that easy, Kai! Be considerate.” Samaria bellowed. She actually bellowed, like a cow or donkey.

Her dumb little insults don’t bother me, but Natalia makes it her life’s mission to “protect” me. I’m actually kind of proud of the result.

“Be considerate?! Do you even know what that means?! You’re the inconsiderate one! Being Russian doesn’t make you smart! Only an imbecile who makes excuses for their own idiocy would say something as stupid as that. You can do this math on a calculator. That’s why we finished so quickly. Because it’s easy, and you’re stupid. And yeah. Life sucks. But it could be so much worse. You could be a starving child. You could be a victim of war. You could be living on the streets. You could be living in an abusive home. You could be an orphan. You could be dying. You could be a child labourer. You could be in jail or juvie. You could be raped. You could be a mentally ill child. You could be deformed. You could be a sex slave. You could be a child solider. You could be a mother. Imagine that. That would be something to complain about, not the fact that you’re getting a world class education or that your iPhone is dead.” Natalia finished her speech.

Hannah whistled and kids started clapping. Natalia took a bow. Mr. Freece signed our passes, and we left the classroom, leaving Samaria looking stunned. What a proud moment that was!